LindsayThis is the second third time I have written this post. WordPress decided it wanted to be a jerk and deleted previous drafts, so I apologize in advance for the frustrated violent tone.
I’m on day 5 of an awful headache. It’s just a typical POTS (postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome) headache. Fortunately it has not yet reached “migraine” status, for which I am certainly grateful. Yet, it won’t go away, and I’ve tried all my options, both natural and pharmaceutical. I don’t get “sick days” at work, so I do my best to work through it, but it is difficult to read a contract when it feels like someone is taking an ice pick and stabbing it up through the back of your neck, up and out your right eye. The right side of my head throbs violently when I cough or sneeze. It’s “cover-shit-with-pollen” season over here at the homestead, so the coughing and sneezing are plentiful. And, all of this makes me nauseous, so I also get weak from not eating. Needless to say, I’m not exactly bringing my “A” game.
A coworker brought her new granddaughter to the office one day this past week so we could all meet her. She is seriously beyond cute and instantly lights up a room. I gave her my finger to play with and we ended up holding hands for a while. She stared into my eyes and smiled, and my heart melted in that way that only a baby can cause. 
I was asked if I wanted to hold her. I did want to, very much. There’s a sense of peace and joy that comes with holding a newborn. Ladies, you know what I’m talking about. People who sort of know me are surprised to find out that I have strong mothering instincts and love babies. People who really know me are not surprised by this at all. I was that girl in high school taking care of all the drunk sick people at the party. I was that roommate that researched the crap out of something anytime a roommate was sick and brought them a bag full of drugstore “remedies” I read about. I’m that girlfriend that has to set limits on how often I am allowed to check on the BF when he’s sick, because otherwise I’ll mother him and not leave his side.
In short, yes, my uterus skips a beat everytime I see a baby.
So, when asked if I wanted to hold the baby, it broke my heart to say no. With an awful headache, I’m very unstable and my equilibrium is off. I went down a couple times yesterday – it’s not fainting, it’s just…..down. I don’t really know how to explain it, and because I can’t see myself, I don’t know what it looks like when it happens. I’d like to film it sometime, but I’m afraid I don’t look as smooth doing it as I think I do.
Unfortunately, in this condition it’s not safe for me to hold a baby. What if I blacked out while holding the baby? What if I became off balance? Or, even worse, what if I fainted? I can’t risk that.
So, I politely declined, content to just hold hands with the baby for a while. But later that night I awoke with a sinking feeling and a dreadful realization:
If I can’t hold a baby, how am I ever going to have kids?
Naturally, the BF and I have talked about the possibility of having children. I would imagine most couples that have been together as long as we have at least broached the topic. And, I don’t want to brag, but can you imagine how cute it would be when you combine this:
with this:
Adorable, right??
Sure, I have questioned my parenting skills…especially when I have killed every plant I have ever owned except one, and that one was given a name, dressed up in funny hats and taken on road trips (I miss you, Toothbrush!!). The BF and I have always understood conceiving (or carrying to term) might be difficult – we both have health issues – and might even be impossible. And if that’s the case, then so be it. We both believe we can have a happy and fulfilling life and relationship without children.
But I never stopped to think that the reason I won’t be able to have kids could be because I may not be able to care for them after they’re born.
That’s a sobering thought. Most days I handle being sick just fine. It is what it is and since I can’t change it, I try to focus on living my life and not on “what could have been”.
But it is days like this that I feel cheated.
Readers: If you have kids, how have you handled taking care of your kids while ill? If you don’t have kids, do you worry about it?
“It’s not the way I hoped or how I planned, but somehow, it’s enough.” – Vanessa Williams
Smell ya later.
– Linds
i Love you just the way you are.
thanks, mom. i love you.
I am so glad you wrote about this and brought it up for discussion. Second, can I send a big virtual hug? 🙂
I was lucky enough to get sick (sounds weird to say I was lucky!) when I was 38, and I was very healthy prior to the sudden onset of getting sick. My son was 17 when I became ill. I feel so much empathy for people with chronic illnesses who have to struggle with the choice to have children, if that’s something they want.
Thank you very much for your comment, and for the virtual hug :). It’s a difficult topic to write about. There are so many concerns with having children when you’re sick: Will I be able get pregnant? Will I be able to care for them? Will I pass on my illness(es) to them?
I’m sure getting sick and having children is difficult, no matter what their age, but I’m glad you and your son had some “healthy” years together!
I understand your thoughts and praise you for the deep thoughts before having a baby and then finding out you are having a hard time. I was lucky enough thAt when I got sick my kids were older no diapers ect. But it was the guilt of being on the couch while they played not bring able to go to the park. I wAs a single mom and two boys, I found away to run on autopilot . Now they are young men and they do shat they can to help me and Say they don’t remember me being sick. But all that autopilot and forcing my self to do stuff made me put me on the back burner which had made me worse. But I wouldn’t trade any of it . Kelly
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Thank you for your comment! I can’t imagine it’s any easier if the kids are older, I’m sure you still feel like you’re missing out. I can’t believe you did it as a single, sick mom! You should be commended – I’m sure that was very difficult!!
I don’t have kids so can’t offer any pearls of wisdom, but just wanted to send hugs to you and BF. As I’m now in my forties and many of my friends are the same age and have been ill for many years the children situation has been an issue for most of us. For some, like me, it’s not been a source of sadness as I’ve never been maternal (though if you’d told me I couldn’t have pets I’d’ve been distraught – I know that’s ridiculous!), but many of my married friends have had to go through a grieving process in respect of not having the children they thought they would. Others already had children when they became ill, and still grieve for all the things they’ve missed out on doing with their kids due to their health limitations. It’s such a difficult decision. Jak x
Yes, it sure is a difficult decision. I’m not sure there’s a “right” answer – not having kids would be tough, having kids but not being able to be there for everything would be tough as well. Heck, even having kids when you’re healthy is tough!!
Thanks for the hugs. It’s always nice to know I’m not alone.
So much empathy and catharsis for you right now that I can’t even find good words to say.
Thank you!!
I did not get sick until my son was around 3-years-old. I had to be careful when I lifted him up because I was afraid to hold him. I had to rely on others a lot. It was also hard to play with him since he loved to run around. It was and is difficult. I always wanted to be the type of mom who played sports with their kids and ran around with them but I can’t. I had to explain to my son that his dad would do active stuff with him and his mom would do the quiet stuff with him. He is now 12-years-old and he has a good understanding of my illness. He supports him 100%.
I’m new to your blog and it’s been a great resource for me and my husband. I’m 41 and have suffered with autoimmune illnesses since 13 years old. My husband and I have 7 adopted children (6 still at home). This last year I have been severely sick. I know I the complications are from dysautonomia but am waiting to see cardiologist for formal diagnosis. I’m telling you all of this to say that I can relate to what you’re going through. It’s so hard to navigate life with the added uncertainty of being chronically ill. Adoption was always an option for us…something we talked about before we were even married. I also stopped working as a teacher to stay at home with my kids. I could not physically handle even part-time work and caring for my family. So, for us we had to make those choices and it has been a great life…for us. Maybe you will get there in a way you couldn’t have imagined or planned!
This spoke to my soul, CURSE YOU!
🙂
baha. I get it. I totally get it.
Loud and clear I get it.
And, if I’m ever at the point to adopt, which I hope if I get married that would be the next choice, I worry constantly that I won’t be able to care for him/her. Or, who would choose me as an adoptive mother because of the major risk of getting cancer.
Thank you for sharing, and bringing a smile to my face. 🙂
I also suffer from POTs and completely understand where you are coming from. I have 2 nephews that I get to practice with and it is very difficult, i need weeks to recover from it. But I do have to say that the 2 specialists that I have seen have both told me that POTS symptoms improve during and after pregnancy, I am engaged and have gotten off all meds to prepare to start trying to get pregnant. I also have to regulate my cycle because I had suppressed it because all my symptoms were worse during that time of the month. On a side note I do want to mention that I was also suffering from severe migraines and headaches on a weekly basis and just lived with it and worked with them. It almost became normal to not feel well and have headaches. I started a product called Plexus, it is an all natural product, that you take every morning. It has made such a difference, I have had only 2 headaches in the past 8 weeks and have more energy, actually don’t feel like I have to nap. I think you should look into it. Please feel free to email me with any questions about it, there is a facebook page that has other testimonials of Plexus helping others with POTS as well. My email is corinnebayer@hotmail.com and the website to look up Plexus is plexusworldwide.com. You must order under an ambassador, it will ask you for a number, mine is 247676. I signed up to get the products at a discount. Hope this helps and gives you some comfort.
Thank you for your comment and for visiting my blog! I have heard some women say that their POTS symptoms improved during pregnancy. That’s very reassuring, although I do still have some concerns, not only about being pregnant, but also about what happens after. I’ll have to check out the Plexus website – thanks for the info!