baby got back: an MRI guide…

I like big butts and I cannot lie.

That’s not just a line from a catchy 90’s rap tune, I actually DO like big butts. Baby butts, dog butts, adult butts, they’re all fabulous. In fact, I spent many nights wishing upon a star as a little girl that I would be blessed in the gluteal region. I’m not exactly a curvaceous woman. My lady assets stopped growing prematurely, so I have always been envious of those ladies with very round posteriors.

I have tried to take good care of my butt with the hopes it would grow into a nice juicy double. So, when I started experiencing some upper leg and lower back numbness and pain last July, I thought my wish had finally been granted and my ass was expanding outward.

The pain, numbness and tingling were more present in my right leg than my left, to the point where occasionally it would feel like I was unable to fully extend my leg and would have to drag it. I scheduled an appointment with the doctor to find out just how big I could expect my ass to grow. Was this just a little hamburger bun, or to quote The Ladies Man, was it going to be like someone stole two fine hams and shoved them down my pants? I wanted to buy pants accordingly.

You can imagine my disappointment when the doctor informed me that, not only was my ass NOT growing, but I also likely had something going on neurologically to cause the pain and numbness. I would need an MRI of my spine. I’d like to share some tips I learned from that experience.

I don’t tout myself as an MRI expert, but I ended up having three MRIs in a matter of 5 weeks, so I ‘d at least play for the JV team. If your doctor has ordered an MRI, I hope you will find the following helpful.

• MRI chambers are like coffins. Seriously. Even those who are comfortable in small spaces can get slightly claustrophobic in MRI tubes. If you have serious issues with tight spaces, tell the staff when you schedule the MRI. They can give you something to help you relax. Which brings me to…
• Close your eyes during the test. The whole time. I made the mistake of opening mine half way through the first test and saw the ceiling of the MRI chamber literally an inch above my face. I had to take a few deep breaths to calm down and not feel like I was being buried alive. Bring a blindfold if you have one, or even a small towel to place over your eyes.
• Don’t wear any metal to the appointment. MRIs don’t use radiation, they use magnets. Serious magnets. Like the giant ACME magnets you always see Wiley Coyote try to use in the Roadrunner cartoons. I wore yoga pants and a t-shirt to the appointment, neither of which had metal, and didn’t have to change into the paper gown. I did have to take off my bra, however, so ladies, leave it at home. The girls can swing free for a few hours.
• Remove all jewelry, even if they say you can keep it on. For the first MRI (lower back), I was told I could leave my rings on if I placed my hands up high on my chest. Two minutes into the MRI my ring started vibrating and it felt like electric pulses to my heart. You can’t move during the MRI, so I had to lay there while it felt like my heart was undergoing electric shock therapy.
• When the MRI techs tell you the test will last 25-30 minutes, they’re not kidding. This isn’t one of those “the test lasts 30 minutes but 20 of those minutes are spent answering questions and filling out forms” kind of things. You will be in the chamber for 30 minutes. Pee first.
• MRI chambers are extremely loud. They will offer you earplugs. Don’t try to be a hero – TAKE THE EARPLUGS. Even with the plugs in, it’s still very loud. It’s an obnoxious, monotonous BOOM BOOM BOOM sound. I pretended I was at a club and the sounds were part of the techno music. I even made up lyrics to go along with the blaring sounds.
• You can’t do anything but lie completely still during the entire 30 minutes. You can sleep, but if this is your first rodeo, it’s unlikely you’ll be able to. Try to look at it as some “me” time to contemplate all those important things: the meaning of life, the best night of your life, or what it would be like if Mulder and Scully finally did it. (Sorry – I’m really excited about the return of the X-Files.) Because of the whole situation, you might find it difficult to form new thoughts in the MRI chamber, so come prepared with some topics of choice, and where you want to take them.

The most important thing is just to relax. MRI’s aren’t the most fun test in the world, but they are painless. I promise, you’ve been through worse.

Two of my MRIs came back normal, one showed some mild disc protrusion which might be putting pressure on some leg nerves, but not enough to justify the pain and numbness. More tests ahead, which hopefully will reveal that it’s just my ass getting bigger.

“It’s impossible, said pride. “It’s risky,” said experience. “It’s pointless”, said reason. “Give it a try,” whispered the heart.” – Unknown

Smell ya later.
– Linds