LindsayI hated high school.
Actually, that’s not true. I loved the first two years of high school. I was young, healthy, had a car, a great best friend, and divorced parents who were never home – what’s not to like? I went to a private Catholic school. While I did get good grades, I wasn’t the most innocent kid. My best friend used to drive us around looking for parties – sometimes just the two of us, sometimes a group of friends packed so tight into the small SUV that we had to sit on laps. I usually got to ride shotgun, because my job was to remove the seeds and stems from our weed and pack the pipe or roll a joint. Before we were old enough to drive, we would still take our parents’ cars out or would invite 20-30 friends over to her house and got drunk in her backyard while her parents were out (or, sometimes home). We were assholes, but we were fearless. We ran from the cops and we stole things and we went in strangers’ apartments to buy weed. I occasionally had detention – usually just for silly infractions like having my uniform shirt untucked. I even went to detention high a couple of times.
You know what sucks when you’re high and paranoid? Catholic school detention.
After the second year, my best friend switched schools. We still hung out a lot on weekend for a bit, but her situation got bad (it’s not my story to tell) and we didn’t see each other anymore. I made a new group of friends, but a few of them got kicked out for drinking or drugs. So, I made another new group of friends.
Anytime I got close to someone, they left. By senior year I was on to my 4th group of friends. I was always a year ahead in math and science classes, so I didn’t know a lot of the girls in my class. Most people are set in their group of friends by senior year and it was tough to get too close to anyone. I graduated high school thinking that my mom was probably my best friend. That’s rather pathetic, even if my mom is pretty awesome. I just never felt like I fit in at that school.
My high school reunion is this weekend. Over the years since graduation, I have become close with some former classmates from school. They’re brilliant and fun and kind and just really, really amazing women, and I’m looking forward to seeing them. I’m also excited to see former classmates that I didn’t know well, but wish I would have, based on our Facebook interactions. And there are old friends that I would love to see, but unfortunately can’t make it.
But despite all of that, I’m a little anxious about the reunion. Not because I’m worried about seeing anyone, or how I will compare. Having attended a private school, I can certainly expect that many of them will look gorgeous, be filthy rich, have amazing jobs, and serve as the model of perfect health. I have none of that, but that’s okay. I live in an amazing city, I have a good family, and above-average abs.
I’m anxious because I no longer live in the city I grew up in, and if you’ve followed this blog for a little bit, you know my hatred of flying. My husband can’t come. He does a wonderfully discrete job of looking out for me, bringing me drinks, sitting down with me when everyone else wants to stand. Without him, no one will be looking out for me.
Thanks to POTS/MCAD, I also have to worry about: 1) what’s the bathroom situation at the reunion – are there a lot of stalls? Is it a unisex bathroom with one stall that we’re supposed to share? Because you know who has to pee a lot? Drunk former Catholic school girls, and I’m not waiting in line for an hour (both because of frequent urination due to increased fluids and orthostatic intolerance) to wait for a bathroom. This isn’t Lollapalooza. 2) what’s the food situation? Will there be any? If not, can I bring my own? If yes, are you offering a low histamine
option? 3) What’s the lighting like? Bright, blinding lights? Should I expect to have a migraine after an hour? 4) Most cocktail-type receptions involve standing around and chatting. I’m physically capable of standing for about 10 minutes at a time on a good day, 5 on a bad. Will there be chairs? If not, can I bring a beach folding chair? 5) Should I bother with compression socks in the hopes that they can give me a few extra minutes of standing? Of are they not worth the effort since it will be 90 degrees F (32 C) that day? 6) Should I bring an extra pair of shoes in the event the nerve pain I have been having in my left foot gets too severe?
I spent the past couple of weeks worrying about fainting or vomiting at the reunion, because no one wants to be “that girl”. But I don’t want to be scared to live my life. I want to be that girl in high school who was unafraid, albeit sometimes irresponsibly so. I want to be fearless and weightless and, to quote my favorite poet, improbably beautiful and afraid of nothing, as though I had wings. So if I faint or vomit – really – so what? So what. I already spend too much time worrying about things that, in the end, I won’t remember worrying about.
And, if I do faint or vomit, I’m pretty sure the girl I was in high school would think that was pretty cool.
“If it is impossible for you to go on as you were before, so you must go on as you never have.” – Cheryl Strayed
Smell ya later.
– Linds