LindsayEveryone loves babies, right? They’re cute and cuddly and they have that oddly appealing baby smell (not to be confused with the completely revolting dirty diaper smell) that makes your heart expand and your uterus contract. As they get older, we can dress them up in adorable outfits, mold them into upstanding humans and teach them the meaning of life.
As long as it isn’t any more difficult than my recent week-long dogsitting experience, I’m totally in.
Once we decided we were no longer too immature to be parents (and, as proof of my maturity, please ignore the reference to wieners on pillows above), I began the descent into hell. Or, as its more commonly known, stopping medication.
As you may remember, I have been in the process of stopping the atenolol (beta blocker) I take for my postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome (POTS) for a few months now. A couple weeks ago I took my last dose and have been off since. I also stopped taking Celexa a few months prior to that.
When I was healthy, I never considered that I’d ever have to actually prepare to get pregnant. I always assumed I’d have some “adult situations”, get knocked up, and 9 months later….BAM. Cute mini-me. Or, even better, mini-BF, as he is way cuter than I.
Now that I have POTS, I realize that’s way too simplified. I started preparing to even think about having a baby about 8 months before we’re hoping to conceive. The first step was to get off medication, first Celexa, then atenolol. Next will be the H1 and H2 blockers and cromolyn. Last will be birth control. A birth control pill may not seem like a “medication”, but it probably helps me more than any of the other medications. The hormone stability seriously helps my symptoms.
After getting off medication, we determine whether or not I’d be able to function off medication for 9 months + breastfeeding time. Being able to survive without medication for a day is a lot different than being med-free for a few years. If we conclude I could, finally the fun part comes in (insert porn music here) and we figure out if I can actually conceive. As you can see, in order for me just to get pregnant (nonetheless carry a healthy child to term), a lot of things have to work in our favour (no, I’m not British, and yes, I prefer British spelling). This isn’t for the faint of heart.
I wrote about getting off Celexa here. Getting off atenolol has been equally challenging. Although my tachycardia isn’t as bad as I expected, my average heart rate now is still about 25 bpm higher than it was on atenolol. That, of course, leads to more dizziness and lightheadedness, more muscle and joint pain, slower cognitive function and memory recall. I do expect some of that will get better with time.
The hardest part has been the increase in extreme fatigue and migraines. I had a migraine that lasted 4 days this
week. The fatigue is that extreme weakness where I’m not sure I can walk the 10 feet to the bathroom without collapsing. I frequently wake up at night with an intense adrenaline rush.
All of that does make me a little worried how we ever get to the “conception” stage at this rate. I haven’t yet mastered the “Don’t I look sexy with bloodshot-migraine eyes while crawling on the floor” look.
Give me time.
I don’t want to sugar coat it in case anyone reading this is or will be going through the same thing: Getting off medication has been rough. I am always uncomfortable, regularly in pain, and constantly unsure of every step I take.
I am often asked why I don’t just go back on medication. Certainly I hope some of these symptoms get better with time. But even if they don’t, major life decisions aren’t made in a single moment.
Bear with me while I see where this goes.
Those of you that have kids – tell me they are worth all of this. Having kids is awesome, right? RIGHT??!
“One of the hardest decisions you’ll ever face in life is choosing whether to walk away or try harder.” – Unkown
Smell ya later.
– Linds
I honestly can’t even imagine trying to get off my meds, and am impressed that you’re doing so well so far. I hope the process continues to go well for you. Good luck!
thanks! it’s been tough, but at least it hasn’t been so bad that i’ve had to go back on the beta blocker!
How exciting!!
Carrie, the Just Mildly Medicated gal (and mom of four) four)
thanks! if you had to do this 4 times, you’re my new hero!
They are so worth it! I won’t lie to you: nothing on this earth makes me more fatigued or symptomatic and lots of help is required from family. My fiancé has really taken a lot of the load. I miss out on doing family stuff due to being sick which bums all three of us out. However, nothing on this earth makes me as happy or warm and fuzzy as her and there is plenty of stuff I CAN do with her, so it isn’t even tough to decide if it is worth it or not! I never once have regretted my decision to become a stepmom. She is my world.
Note: I kind of cheated in terms of preparing my body. I didn’t have to go off pills or give birth to have a wonderful little girl come into my life when she was 20 months old. She calls me “My Jackie” 😊
that’s wonderful! i’m glad you have lots of help. your stepdaughter sounds very sweet!
“Those of you that have kids – tell me they are worth all of this. Having kids is awesome, right? RIGHT??!”
They are SO worth it. Beyond words. It isn’t easy and like Jackie, I have amazing help. And sometimes it bums us all out when I am laying around because I am not feeling well but there is so SO so SO much I CAN do and it’s important to focus on that. There is so much I can do that a lot of parents don’t do with their kids and it is way too easy to forget that when I am down and out, thinking about all the things that I am convinced I want to do and can’t.
I think you will feel it is worth it too.
thank you so much for your honest reply. it can’t be easy raising kids when you’re sick, but it’s very inspiring that you both think it’s worth it!
I can’t speak on terms of going off of meds though. I went off of meds (with exception of adderall xr) because the beta blocker and antihistamines caused me more problems than helped. I am interested in seeing how any future pregnancies affect me – during and after. Hopefully we can know enough for some preventative care.
hopefully! i have a (POTS) friend who just gave birth and said she actually didn’t have any issues during the actual delivery. of course, we’re all different, so who knows, but it’s somewhat reassuring.
My migraines started when I got pregnant with my second child, so keep in mind that pregnancy may exacerbate them (and post-partum is when they got really complex and stayed for six weeks at a time). I have EDS, POTS, Mast Cell Disorder, Celiac, and a few other fun things. However, I didn’t know ANY of this until after my children were born (just had struggled with it for 10+ years). It really ramped up after the second was born, but I was also under severe stressors and recovering from trauma at that time. So I don’t know about going off of the meds… but I will tell you this: despite everything, despite all the illnesses and lost time and exhaustion and the rest, the kids are worth it. That first year may be hell for you, but it. will. get. better. It’s awesome and awful all at once, but I have two delightful human beings I’m raising, and when I stop to really think about it (instead of just operating in combat mode), I am very glad I had them.
Thank you very much for your comment! That’s exactly what I’m worried about – symptoms getting worse during pregnancy. Many women that I have talked to that have POTS and have given birth said their symptoms got better during pregnancy, but a lot worse after. Of course, we’re all different and I’m sure the opposite is true for many women as well.
Your love for your children is obvious and very reassuring. I’m so happy to hear it is worth it!
This post made me LOL (though not about your symptoms obviously!!). Adopting Bertie was like having a child. Not sleeping through the night for months, not being able to find a food he would eat, cleaning up pee and poop from *everywhere*, separation anxiety, emotional issues, having someone demanding of my time 24/7, having to walk him like *every* day no matter how sick I was, playing with him, constant trips to the vet………..the first month I was almost bedridden with the effort. I cried and cried and thought I’d have to take him back to the pound cos I couldn’t cope! But eventually we got into a routine, and I adjusted and so did he, and now……….well, he’s my whole reason for getting up in the mornings 🙂 Still hard work, still exhausting, still expensive but worth every second.
So if kids are anything like dogs your life will never be the same again – in a good way 🙂
You’re so brave to go off all your meds – wishing you all the luck in the world with it all. Jak (and Bertie) xxx
i would imagine adopting a rescue dog is a lot like having a baby! i know just from dogsitting that if the dog has to go on a walk, you HAVE to take him for a walk, no matter how you’re feeling. rescue dogs especially need a lot of attention and care in the beginning, but you’ve also saved a life! what a wonderful feeling. you are lucky to have Bertie (and he is equally lucky to have you!!)
Bless you Lindsay for going down this difficult road. I wish you all the best in your process of determining if you can remain off the meds for the time necessary. I will be the first to send you a handmade gift if all goes well.
thank you, Kathryn!!