why i am an awful person…

Sometimes I feel a little angry at the world.

I first began to feel a little enraged when I was diagnosed with postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome (POTS). Nothing violent – just your ordinary run-of-the-mill resentment at what, at the time, felt like a wasted life. I have worked hard my whole life, and it was only after completing twenty-one years of school and racking up almost a hundred grand in law school debt that I developed multiple chronic illnesses. Naturally, there’s no good time to inherit a lifelong diagnosis, but sometimes I wish I hadn’t worked so hard. Or sometimes I’m heartbroken that I never got to experience what it’s like to be a “real” attorney, running from meeting to meeting, taking depositions, and looking fabulous in a tailored suit and pair of heels.

My anger multiplied exponentially when my mom was diagnosed with her degenerative brain disease, progressive supranuclear palsy (PSP). My mom has always been the healthiest person I know. She has been a pescatarian (only eats fish) since I was a child. She never ate sweets or fried foods, and other than the standard experimentation during her youth, she never really did drugs or smoked. She exercised regularly, and even into her early 60s she ran 3 miles multiple times per week, played tennis every weekend, and enjoyed the occasional round of golf. I don’t remember her ever even getting the flu.

It’s difficult for me to reconcile my mom’s meticulous care for her body with her devastating and terminal illness, or the multitude of incurable illnesses my athletic friends have been diagnosed with, but it became even more difficult when my mother-in-law moved from another city to live with us. A couple years ago, my in-laws moved into our house. They’re older and English isn’t their first language. They did’t want to spend the energy dealing with those tedious domestic duties that come with home ownership, and my husband liked having them close where he could help as they got older and their health faded.

My mother-in-law is a sweet lady, but health and wellness have never been her top, or even her top 10, priorities. She has type-2 diabetes, yet still eats a lot of foods that she shouldn’t. I have never once seen her exercise. In fact, the only time my in-laws leave my house is to go out to eat or shop for food; they spend 10-12 hours per day sitting watching t.v., sometimes for 4-5 days in a row. My father-in-law is in great shape because he does everything – washes dishes, cooks, cleans, carries their groceries in and puts them away, walks our dog, and walks up and down our stairs multiple times per day so she doesn’t have to.

My mom’s assisted living center has a daily exercise class – something extremely low impact like chair yoga – and my mom attended regularly until a bad fall during the class last year lead to an emergency room visit and a prolonged stay at a rehabilitation center. She wanted to continue to attend the class, but in order to protect themselves from liability (and as an attorney and someone who loves her, I understand and agree) she is not allowed to attend. But up until recently, she still showed up regularly, hoping they would change their minds and allow her to participate. She just wants to do something. Literally, anything.

I thoroughly believe that we’re all responsible for our own choices, and people should be able to eat or do whatever they want without our judgment, and their choices shouldn’t affect how we view our contrasting situation. It’s a little more difficult to ignore, though, when the dichotomy is played out in my daily life.

It baffled and, frankly, angered me that someone whose idea of eating “healthy” is having a few pieces of lettuce drenched in dressing with 40+ grams of fat per serving (seriously – I looked) had fewer health problems than an athletic (nearly) vegetarian. Just so we’re clear, I genuinely like my mother-in-law. My anger has never been with her, but with what she represents: the injustice of life. That my mom and all my chronically ill friends that have always led healthy lifestyles struggle everyday, that they all work so hard even now to stay active and eat well in spite of their diagnoses, while others who don’t give it a second thought get to live long and happy lives is grossly unfair.

For a while I have begged the universe to make sense of all of this, to explain the futility of pursuing wellness if those who do ultimately are not “well”. I don’t understand a world that rewards the unhealthy and punishes those who work hard.

A couple weeks ago, my mother-in-law was diagnosed with an aggressive cancerous tumor in her abdomen. It’s location makes it inoperable, and while chemo would shrink it, it may only buy her a year or two. Without chemotherapy, she has maybe 3-6 months left, and because she’s barely eating or sleeping now, chemo isn’t a realistic option.

Her cancer diagnosis has been hard on all of us. I don’t want her to die. I am so very saddened that she is going through this. She and I sat together today and cried because cancer is unfair, and life is hard.

But I would be lying if said that a small part of me wasn’t relieved that the world is starting to make sense again.

And that is why I am an awful person.

“When life is sweet, say ‘thank you’ and celebrate,
When life is bitter, say ‘thank you’ and grow.” – Unknown

Smell ya later.
– Linds